the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
