i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize