honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
