Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
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I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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