I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
