A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
