he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
