having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my shit smells like andre
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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