he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
