The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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