you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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