Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
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He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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