So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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