Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
