upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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