My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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