Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
