I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
