At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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