the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
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do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
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I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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