Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
