i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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