dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
