I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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