I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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