seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
