Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
