I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
