Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you win again, gameday.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
