this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
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Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
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At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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