grandma shit on top of the toilet
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
