dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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