We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
