we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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