My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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