Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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