My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
