she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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