EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
