Best friends brother. Beat that.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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