I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need water and some morals
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
