and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
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I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.