i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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