I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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