I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
