Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Randomize
