OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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