you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
