Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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