I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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