I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
