He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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