got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
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How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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