Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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