So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
