I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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