just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
