I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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