Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
